The Truth Shall Set Me Free

Sometimes the hardest things we have to do, is to discover the truth and tell the truth. We fight it, we lie to ourselves in order to try and deny the facts. We force ourselves to live with the lie because we force ourselves to believe that not only is the lie better, but it's so much better that it cannot possible be a lie.

But in the end, the truth will always come out... And as they say, "the truth shall set you free."

Ten months ago, I allowed myself to accept a truth about myself that I had hidden for the first almost 20 years of my life, and again for the better part of the following 14. But even in accepting part of my truth, I still refused to accept it all.

I was simply a crossdresser; I was non-binary, gender neutral, anything in the world but transgender. Even when I admitted that I was trans, I said there was no transition in my future. I promised my wife that there would be no permanent changes. (I don't remember making this promise but I also won't deny that it's something I likely would have said.) And while I still firmly state that I have no desire to undergo surgery, I desperately want to start hormones. (I sometimes wonder if my no surgery stance is the truth or another lie that I have yet to accept... I guess only time will tell.)

I go to support meetings and introduce myself by both names and state that any pronoun is fine by me. But it's not fine by me. I want to be Crystal. I want my sole identity to be this mystical side of me that I have refused to acknowledge for so long. I love hearing my friends refer to me as her; I fill with joy when I dress fem, and most importantly my heart melts when Kerri calls me her wife.

I don't think I will be the type who with shiver with dread upon hearing her "dead name." Craig has been a major part of me for almost 35 years and even when the time comes that he no longer exists in the here and now, his life and legacy can never be forgotten or ignored.

I was Craig. I am Crystal. My life can only be a perfect combination of ones memories and the others new experiences. Otherwise, I can I ever be whole?

The Day My Wife Finally Met Me.

Yesterday, my wife met two of the most important people in my Trans life, and she handled it better than I could have ever imagined she would.  We had been discussing the idea of her finally seeing me dressed femme for a little while now, and that day finally came. I took a shower and shaved, cleaning up as best as I could. I pulled out my secret bag and slowly got dressed. As I organized and debated on what to wear, Kerri sat there with a smile on her face. She complimented my boots and I think even got a little jealous of my taste. But overall, with love and adoration, she finally met Crystal. And even more importantly, she found that after all of this time, after swearing that she could never love Crystal in the same ways that she loves Craig, she realized that she did love the woman who her husband was to become.

Then we hit the first snag, as I filled my bra, Kerri noticed that I was a little lopsided and it just didn't seem to fit me properly. I fidgeted with the bra a little, removed it, put on another with less success then the first. Then she handed me one of her bra's to try on, but it didn't fit at all. We settled on my last bra, one which I had never work yet, and found that while it was the best fit around my body, it was far too big in the cups and therefore would never work at all.

I took a deep breath and swore to myself that I would not let this deter me. If I was going to spend the day flat chested, then so be it. I finished getting dressed and moved on to the next step, fighting with my wig. I don't really understand why the wig is so troublesome. The day I purchased it, it was brushed out beautifully and while the bangs were a little obnoxious in my eyes, it was manageable and I loved the look of the full finished product of hair and makeup. But every time that I have tried putting the wig on at home, I can't get the hair to stay in position; I can barely see a damn thing because of all the hair in my eyes. But worse, what I can see, is a very male face looking out from underneath. I don't know a thing about applying makeup, and have yet to have the time to try and learn, but it will definitely be the next thing I work on.

As I stare in the mirror, at this ridiculous looking man in a wig, I finally broke and Kerri met that super villain that plagues the lives of all of us… Dysphoria.  I started to feel the anxiety building within me. I wanted to cry but knew that I had to be strong and not let that evil bastard defeat me. I kept trying to brush the wig and make something work, but while I succeeded in letting the tears begin to flow, I lost the battle and began to flip out internally. I pulled the wig off my head and almost flung it across the room. Within seconds, Crystal had disappeared in a fury usually reserved for the Tasmanian Devil and before Kerri could even blink, I was pulling on my boxers and guy jeans.

She came with me to visit my therapist and I discussed this mini breakdown with logic and a sound mind. Kerri was more accepting then I ever thought she could be and today, after all of our times where I would support her when she was depressed, she was my rock. She held me up and kept me moving forward, and I honestly believe that if she wasn't with me on this day, I would have had a complete and utter hysterical melt down. We left therapy and she insisted that we stop into Target to get some storage drawers, so that my Crystal attire would no longer be shoved into a duffle bag. We then stopped at 2 local costume stores to try and find a new wig that while cheap, might not have the ridiculous bangs that would keep me from seeing. We were unsuccessful on that front, but talked about going to a legitimate wig shop in the future to try and 1) get my wig styled better so that it can be managed and 2) maybe get a new wig altogether.  

Kerri also suggested that I reach out to a friend in the community to maybe see about going shopping together. There was no thought into which friend to contact and I reached out to somebody who I admire greatly. I have never gone out shopping for Crystal, choosing instead to shop online because I didn't want to walk in and be mocked for my appearance or my choice in purchases. Hopefully my friend and I can go out soon and I can put most of these fears behind me and find the best version of Crystal that there can be.