My Last Few Months

For the last few months, I have been on an emotional roller coaster that I never imagined I would ride. When I was young, I tossed the idea that I was transgender out the window, it was just a silly phase, it was more of a sexual fetish, and wasn't anything that truly mattered to me. These were the lies that I forced myself to believe in order to escape this part of me that made me different. I grew a beard, I hooked up with girls that I met online and had no desire to actually have a relationship. I tried to be a little bit of everything I hated most in all those "players," who just used people for sex.  I hated myself and nothing I could do would make me feel truly whole. But when I finally gave up the fight, and allowed myself to accept that there really was something different about me, something that needed to be released, I finally felt free… I finally felt happy.

In December, when I finally let myself accept this side of me again, I was convinced that it was more of a crossdresser type thing. It wasn't going to be a major part of my identity, just a small side that I needed to enjoy. I could easily do that without anybody else ever knowing about it. A few weeks passed and I knew that I would not be satisfied keeping this all to myself, but I still insisted that it was not going to become a major part of my identity. I started seeing a therapist to address not only this side of me, but my issues with anxiety and mild depression. My therapist helped me reach deeper inside and I once again, I was forced to accept that I had drastically underestimated how much of this was my true self.

In February, I had come out to my wife, my parents, and a few of my closest friends. In May, I came out to my assistant manager and a larger group of friends. Then in August, I came out to the rest of my both my own family as well as my wife's family. So far, not a single person has given a negative response, and I don’t think I could possibly be luckier.

As I said in a previous post, I have come to the decision that I fit a more neutral gender lifestyle. I love the feeling of nylons on my legs, I enjoy having a flowy dress on, and while I can't walk in heels yet, I am eager to develop a sophisticated style that I see on so many gorgeous women all over the place.  However, I don't hate my primary attire. I work in a bank, and sometimes I like putting on my suit and tie in the morning. I like wearing jeans and a heavy metal band t-shirt on the weekends. I do daydream on occasion on wearing a women's attire to work, and while my coworker's joke about how gorgeous they find our assistant manager to be and how jealous they are of her significant other, I wish I had her body size and could wear her suits everyday instead.

Sometimes I do think that a day may come where I pull further away from the male status, where I might want to live more than 5% of the time on the femme side. I really can't imagine having any type of surgery to remove my male anatomy, so I am confident that gender neutral will forever be my gender status. If that changes at some time in the future, then I will address that matter at the time. But for the time being, I will remain… I am Craig… I am Crystal… I am ME.