Who am I?

So my brain is all sorts of fucked up right now. Just when I thought I was past this issue, it gets brought back up in a way that is eating away at my brain in ways I can barely explain. 

In June I came to the conclusion that I considered myself gender neutral. That as much as I enjoy the feminine side (which I sadly barely ever get to tap into) I still had masculine traits and attire that I was fine with keeping. I told Kerri this with delight, as I knew this would alleviate a lot of her concerns about our future and was shocked when she didn't immediately respond with positivity. Instead, she told me that she didn't believe me. She said she wasn't sure if I was lying to her (to force her to stop worrying about the possible future) or if I was lying to myself (forcing myself to accept it.)

Over the next 2 months or so, it became an occasional debate but it had seemed as if Kerri finally believed me and we were moving on. She started becoming much more positive and accepting and things were great.

And then today happened....

I was hanging out with a new friend of ours from the transgender community and we were discussing some of the recent events in our lives. I started telling him about how much more supportive Kerri has been and how much it means to me. Since we're still fairly new friends, I wanted to give him some back story and explained how Kerri had previously not fully believed that I considered myself neutral. 

He then told me that he agrees with her. This absolutely floored me. Here is a guy who I've known for just under 2 months, who I've only really spend extended time with outside of our support group meetings twice, and he gets the feeling from me that deep down, I don't really consider myself gender neutral. He apologized and told me that he doesn't mean to force a gender idea on me. But as a friend, he gets the feeling that there's more that I am continuing to bury.

I don't know why this has affected me so much more then when Kerri has told me something so similar. Kerri knows me better than anybody, so obviously her insight should mean more. She should see deeper into me and know more about who I am. Therefore if she feels I'm not accepting parts of myself, I should take that more to heart. And if I truly don't believe that is true, it can simply be washed away. 

However, here's somebody who has faced his own internal struggle about identity. Somebody who was born in the wrong body and fought himself his whole life to understand and accept who is was truly meant to be. That own self insight could also give him the knowledge and ability to see that same battle inside somebody else. And through that, know the signs of non-self-acceptance. 

And that's where I'm stuck... And that's why I'm lying in bed at 2:30 am, wide awake, fighting tears and trying not to wake Kerri up. Trying to wrap my brain around this problem that I thought I solved three months ago. 

Could I be lying to myself...? Again? Still? 

Who the fuck am I already?